Hi, I'm 
Everything seems too good to be true right now with Ryan
It’s insane lol I get out of work yesterday and there’s a note on my car “just wanted you to know I was thinking of you I love you”
I’m still a little insecure about this whole thing, because he’s left me once what will make him stop from leaving again if things get hard. Idk. It’s just kinda all so hard to handle right now especially when we’re together. It’s hard to act like we aren’t dating because that’s all we’ve ever known.
My guard is up though, so I know I’m not necessarily being stupid about it. I won’t tell him I love him (mostly lol), I barley kiss him (which is fucking hard lol) and I won’t have sex with him until we’re actually back together.. It’s just all so hard lol because I clearly love him to death and wish we could just be back together right now but that wouldn’t teach him anything you know?
I just hope this all works out <3
Soooo Ryan and I are on speaking terms, we’re single, but he’s trying to prove to me I should give him another chance
Our talk went really well. I believe when he tells me the girl was just a rebound (because honestly it’s not like I didn’t try the same shit, I just didn’t make it a whole 3 week ‘together-ness’ thing with the kid)
In the past I had trouble knowing how my ex-boyfriend was actually feeling when he was talking to me, he always seemed insincere. Ryan, I know when he’s lying and when he’s telling the truth. Everything he said to mean was real. I’ve said it before, I think one day in the future we will be able to work out again, I truly believe what we had was so special.
So last night, I needed to pick up money he owed me because I’m going to Atlantic City tonight. When I got to his house, he had flowers (he’s never bought me flowers, ever) I walk into his kitchen, he made me my favorite foods. He gave me a card that made me cry. As I’m reading the card, he starts crying as well. I just could feel how genuine all this was. I asked why he was crying and he said he was so scared I wouldn’t come and he had been thinking all day of something he could do to make me happy. He was so happy. He was looking at me like it was the first time he’d ever seen me. Idk it was all just perfect.
I really do love him. I know he can treat me right. I’m giving him this last chance to prove to me that being with him again is worth it. The second he screws up (if he does) I’m gone. I know I’m capable of being happy without him, even though I’d rather be happy with him, I know I can live without him if I had to.. at this point at least.. maybe not pin the future.
I think I know what I’m doing is the right thing, he’s just literally going to have to work his ass off to regain my trust..
So last night while I’m out I get this text message..
Hi sorry for being annoying and shit but something hit me hard right now and I miss you a lot and I’m not asking you to answer this or anything idk I just had to tell you this I’m sorry for being annoying please don’t hate me
Ummmmm yeah. I told him we’re not talking now because I was out and we need to talk when we’re sober and he kept going on and on.. Like idk it’s crazy. I just pisses me off because now he’s home and he magically misses me but when he was at school he never tried talking to me. He claimed that was because he was holding it in there (or because he had another girl.. which I know is why) He also sends me this text…
It was hard for me who just turned 22 to accept I met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with
Wow, Ryan. You’re life must be so hard. That’s such a hard thing to deal with I don’t know how you did it (sarcasm). Like honestly don’t say this shit to me. Now I’m so confused. He kept telling me how he hasn’t stopped loving or caring about me. You left me. Did you forget that whole part of us breaking up?
I don’t know this is just all so hard to handle right now. I don’t want to make the wrong choices. We’re going to talk today. Ah idk. This sucks.
Got a 3.92 GPA this semester :)
Which raised my GPA to a 3.85 overall :) Yay I’m so excited, even though I was pulling for a 4.0. There’s always next semester. I just want to graduate with high honors :)
I’m actually very proud of myself because everyone used to say I only had a good GPA my first two years of college because I went to community college first. But now I’m at Rutgers which is one of the top 15 universities in the world for arts and humanities (which my major falls under) and #9 in the country with a 3.85 GPA. So all my friends can suck it and just deal with that fact that I really am smart lol
I’m also proud of myself for being in the top 10% of my class! I also was inducted into 3 honor societies and invited to 3 others (declined the invites though, too expensive lol)
But anyways, overall I’m extremely happy that all my hard work is finally paying off and I hope I’m able to accomplish everything else I’d like to within the next year before I graduate next May! <3
I haven’t felt like crying in so long..
Until now. I decided to be the “bigger person” by texting Ryan congratulating him on graduating college today.. And all my feelings rushed back. For the past two weeks we haven’t talked and I was totally over being with him (not him yet, of course) but now its all coming back.. I love him to death. But at the same time he doesn’t treat me how I should be treated. Ugh I don’t know what to say back to him… Or if I should even answer at all meh
Holding back..
Why does being in a relationship make you hold back? You don’t even realize it until you’re out of the relationship. There are so many things I should have done for myself but I didn’t because I was putting someone else in front of my own happiness. I didn’t even notice. I’m realizing now how many things and chances I didn’t take because of him. I was too afraid to take on anything that would take time away from “us.” I didn’t try out for cheerleading because then I wouldn’t be able to see him during the fall. I didn’t get a job over winter break because I wanted to be with him. I missed so many times with my friends because I was afraid he’d get mad if I went. I’ve let so many people slip out of my life to focus on him. I let opportunities pass me by because they’d be too time consuming. I literally missed out on so much. And I didn’t even realize it. Why is it that one boy is able to control you like that? And YOU’RE the reason it’s happening. I wanted to miss out on everything I did for him. I’ll never understand it. The boy you’re going to marry won’t care if you don’t have as much time for them if you’re living you’re dream and doing what you want to do. I can’t wait until I have someone like that.
I’m so confused
Khasjfhiasuhfiafhjksdfhsaufdk I just don’t know anymore. We haven’t talked in a week now and I don’t even know if I care. Which scares me. I don’t know why though. I shouldn’t care, he clearly doesn’t. I was hoping he’d text me sometime in the past week but why would he. UGH. I don’t know what I want. Do I want him to want me again? I don’t even know if I want to talk to him ever again. So why would I want him to come back? I know if he does I’m going to go back to him even if it’s not 100% what I want because I’m going to be really bored this summer, it’s horrible but I know it’s going to happen. I wish I knew what I wanted. And I wish school wasn’t ending. I need to be in a place like this to stay sane. Going home is just going to remind me of him and make me crawl back to him weather he wants me to or not. Can someone just tell me the future so I can make all the right decisions now?
I’ve never heard a more accurate song in my life. If you want to know how I’m feeling listen to this if you haven’t already… </3
(Source: Spotify)
Hi Guys :) I’m back!
Alright so as most of you know it’s been over a week of me not posting/minimal posting (3 pictures to be exact!) and I’ve decided I’m coming back :) I can’t stay away from you guys for too long! :)
There will be a few changes though..
I will (most likely) not be posting many quotes or reblogging pictures with quotes on them. Why? They remind me too much of Ryan. Quotes are to most relatable thing to me so I really don’t need to be reminded too much of how much I love/miss him.
I will also not be posting took much about my personal life on here. Considering most of the stuff I posted on here was about Ryan, you can expect my personal posts about love to end. I do have a personal blog I’ve been updating though, you can follow it here.
Yeah so I think that’s it! I think I can handle posting about love right now, but if for whatever reason it becomes too overwhelming I may have to take another break, but I really don’t see that happening :)
I’m very happy to be back, it felt like the longest week ever! I hope you guys enjoy what my blog is going to become! And I would also like to thank all of you who stuck around and waiting for me and messaged me in a time of need, you are all really the best <3
So Ryan and I are done
He didn’t come today like he said he was going to and I’m not waiting around for someone who isn’t willing to respect me the way I should be respected.
It sucks and I’m heartbroken but I’ll be fine, I always am. It’s just sad that someone I gave over 2 years of my life to and thought I could marry wasn’t willing to end things the right way. But hey, that’s life and everything happens for a reason.
